Want To Hear Some Juicy Gossip?

How did you react to that title?  What was the first thing that came to your mind?  "OOOOH!! Yes!!"? "I wonder who it's about!?" "How juicy?"?

Continuing on the theme of "things I learned in Israel", we had a talk about gossip and lies by Lori Palatnik.  We also continued this theme this week with our Rebbitzen, Paula Rand, who was also our City leader on the trip.

Did you know that it is worse in the eyes of Hashem to speak badly about someone than to hold your tongue?  The Talmud tells us that the tongue is a powerful weapon.  It is so powerful that it is protected behind two walls - your lips and your teeth.

This is how powerful our words are:  We can build with our words, and we can destroy with our words.

Think of it this way:  Imagine 2 scenarios - You are speaking to a child who has, after repeated requests, continued to throw a ball in the house.  The child breaks a vase.  It's not an expensive vase, but it was your grandmother's and you really liked it.  It was very sentimental to you, and now it's shattered.

Building with words:  "Oy!! The vase!! I am really not happy with what you did.  I asked you to stop throwing the ball, and now the vase is broken." 

Has the child been blamed in any way? No.  Does the child feel bad? Most likely. And the child will most likely apologize.  And feel badly for what happened.

Destroying with words:  "Oy!! The vase!! You stupid clod!!  I asked you to stop throwing the ball and you stupid idiot!! You broke the vase!!"


What's the difference?  I'm sure it's glaring right at you.  In the first scenario, you have admonished the child's action.  In the second scenario, you have admonished the child's soul.  They're very being.  You have called the child stupid.

One thing we are taught in Judaism is to judge the action, not the person.  People do dumb things - but that does not make people dumb.

But I digress and that's an entirely different post.

So, gossip.  In Hebrew it's called "Lashon Hara".  Which literally translated means "evil tongue" or "evil language".

There are always three participants in Lashon Hara - the person speaking, the person listening and the person being spoken about.

How do you know you're speaking Lashon Hara?  There's a litmus test (and possibly an app - I haven't checked the App Store recently).

If you would be ashamed if someone were to speak about you in the way you speak to others, you're speaking Lashon Hara.

There are three Cardinal Sins that according to the Torah you should die rather than commit yourself:
1. Murder
2. Adultery
3. Sexual Immorality.

Lashon Hara is worse than all three of these put together!!

As a matter of fact, there are three people being morally killed when someone speaks Lashon Hara.  The person speaking, the person being spoken about and the  listener.

It is Lashon Hara even if it is true, even if the listener pressures you, even if names are left out and if it is about the speaker's own family.

So, now you realize, you've spoken Lashon Hara.  What do you do?  Can you take it back?  Can you be forgiven? Yes.

One of the gifts we have from Hashem is that we have the ability to atone.  But in order to properly atone, you must feel remorse for what you have done.  You must verbalize and acknowledge the sin to Hashem - and to the person involved, unless this will cause a huge rift between you, the person and possibly someone else.  And you must remove yourself from the sin.  At some point, Hashem will test you by putting you in the exact same situation.  If you don't speak Lashon Hara, then it is as if the first transgression never, ever happened in your life.  T'shuva (repentance/atonement) is a process. It doesn't happen overnight.

What if the person doesn't forgive you?  Well, the Torah tells us we must ask the person three times to forgive us. If, after three times they still don't forgive you, you have done what you can, and Hashem will forgive you.

But wait!  Is it ever okay to speak Lashon Hara?  Believe it or not, yes.  Surprised!?  I was too.  So when is it possible to speak Lashon Hara?

1.  If someone is about to go into business with someone and you know that person is fraudlent with money.
2. If it has to do with a shidduch (a matchmaking).
3. If the reason is to help someone to improve.
4. To prevent someone from being hurt by the subject.
5. To end a dispute that could escalate to the community.

However before you get excited, there are seven criterion that must be met before you can speak Lashon Hara.

1. It must be completely true and verified by the speaker - and witnessed if possible.
2. Must be a problem from an objective viewpoint.  You can't speak Lashon Hara because someone wronged you - if you can't be objective, you can't speak Lashon Hara about someone.
3. You must rebuke the subject gently - don't go with a knee jerk reaction.
4. You can not exaggerate or embellish, even if only to get the listener to listen.
5. Your intention MUST be PURELY to improve the situation - not to cause further rift, even if it is to protect the listener.
6. If the constructive purpose can be attained WITHOUT resorting to Lashon Hara, that way must be used instead.
7. It must be for a constructive purpose.

So, you know how to repent and you know when it's possible to speak Lashon Hara.  But why do we do it in the first place?

Well, words are power.  We gossip for entertainment ("what's the latest on Tom and Katie?").  Human beings are arrogant.  And we have bad habits.

So, do you still want to hear some juicy gossip?  Yeah. Me too.  But I'm trying to stop being a part of it.